The shoulda coulda woulda of healing from back surgery.
It's tough going from feeling your fittest, your fastest, and your strongest to feeling weak, tired, and exhausted. Well, I think it's tough anyway. I think it's tough knowing that you're going to have to start over again, that you have to give up for a while. Sure, life shouldn't revolve around trying to be fit or get fitter, and it's not, it's so much more than that. For anyone who has suffered from body issues, from fat days to eating disorders, you understand it's a really big goddamn accomplishment to be happy with your appearance. More over, you know the absolute mental fortitude that got you there. Body image has truly little to do with actual appearance. I'm sure I'm not saying anything profound, but feel it needs to be stated. The reason why this so called "journey"of a back injury has been so mentally crushing at times is because I was (AM) so absolutely proud of how far I have pushed my body and mind to grow healthy and strong. Being confronted with such a physical set back has made me question so many things about where I thought I was and where I want to go. Not to say reflection is bad, in fact it's necessary to move forward, but it can be awkward, uncomfortable, frustrating, and scary at times. I start wondering if I truly came as far as I thought I had. Knowing that I had no choice but to take some kind of step or leap backward was and has been a difficult thing for me to process.
It kind of goes like this... You stare at yourself knowing that you have so much more to give, but your body needs to recover and your mind needs to rest. It's a mental game you play with yourself. It's just plain tough as f* to know that you are about to become less fit (mind you, only in the short term) and have to give up the things that you love for a little while (once a gain, I refuse to listen to "can't" or "won't" statements). You have no choice but to sit on the sidelines and watch the other kids have fun. It's not like you just stopped making time for training or started eating donuts and stopped caring. No, that is what so many other people do. They become less fit because they made a choice to stop pushing themselves, because they "didn't have time", because it was no longer a priority or important, because eating cupcakes and heavy drinking is more important. You're not like that, like the others.
Any injury produces a little frustration. And sometimes there is a lot of frustration and that's ok. It's a part of healing in my eyes. I try to turn my frustration, anger, and fear into something useful. These are the things that get me motivated to fight back, to come back faster, stronger, and even more badass than I could ever imagine! I wish I didn't have to deal with the back injury. I wish all of us could be injury-free and just train hard because being broken just sucks. But without the broken bones, torn muscles, scars, or blood we'd miss out on a whole different kind of endurance. These are the moments that allow us to bounce back and crank the volume up to 11!
This broke back betty won't be broken forever!